Tolerance and FOGO

     That is a very deep and heavy word, which came to mind when corresponding with my grandson in a letter, that’s right, old-fashioned snail mail.  I have been reminded that writing letters takes time and effort, you have to think and write your thoughts down in full comprehensible sentences, which I fear is a rapidly declining art in the age of texting and emails, which have their own language, i.e. (CUL8R- see you later), not to mention emoticons used for letters.

   
      Gandhi says it best; “The golden rule of conduct is mutual toleration, seeing that we will never all think alike and we shall always see Truth in fragment and from different points of vision.”  My grandson and I have just recently begun communicating with one another, and in one of his letters, he said to me, with regards to my last month’s blog, “I am a firm believer in balance. I don’t believe that only one philosophy is necessarily the answer, moreover it may not work for everyone. What works for some, may not work for others.”  I can’t tell you how proud that made me of this young man, he has a hard long journey ahead of him and this speaks of deep spiritual evaluation and mature thinking.

     It also, as is typical for me, got me to thinking about the intolerance of the retired/elderly, and the subject in general of aging in America.  Why is it that the US culture is so disrespectful of the elderly, where even our President wants to sweep them under the carpet and show they no longer have any value to society, and are a drain on it, yada yada.  Let’s ignore the reality,  the elderly were and had been carrying the country financially pre-retirement and were major contributors to the success of this country, up until the grand old age of (new retirement age) 66, 67, or 70 by paying huge amounts into social security, Federal, State and local taxes etc…. just saying.  

     Back to the topic at hand, I guess misconceptions about age are easy to come by in the American culture. I can almost guarantee that any one of us can come up with a person we have met who fits the common stereotype of that nasty grumpy old person.  But guess what I learned folks; age does not define who a person is.  The intellectuals tell us that these myths are perpetrated by the media and our own memory.

 

     From this definition I give you FOGO.  What I have observed, through TV shows, news, and just talking to people, is that behind the intolerance of the elderly, is fear.  Fear of the unknown.  What is going to happen when we get old; loss of hair, hearing, illnesses, wrinkles?  Yep, it could happen, but thanks to modern technology, we have contacts, glasses, hearing aids, wigs and so on, to help us overcome and manage these minor hurdles.

     It is unfortunate that we are deluged, and under constant attack by the media, Hollywood, etc. where they seem to only revere the young, with the underlying message, old is not good.  I came from the hippie generation, the youth movement of the 60’s, known as the beautiful people.  A  youth based movement that was focused on  sexual freedoms, health food, drugs, Middle Eastern culture, music, antiwar (make love not war), and most importantly to question authority - Right On! For the record that phrase was created by the hippies, they created their own language, as there was no precedence for what they were experiencing.  The underlying mantra was “Don’t trust anyone over the age of thirty.”

     But as typical for me I digress, misconceptions are easy to come by and the experts tell us these biases or myths are a result of media and memory.  I am sure everyone has met that stereotypical grumpy old man or woman.  And as humans we tend to remember first hand experiences, which we tuck away in our memories. Why?  Because it had an emotional impact on us, and that encounter with an elderly person who was grumpy, mean, depressed, irritable and angry, most likely made us react emotionally.   Ahh, but that funny, friendly outgoing elderly person that we ran into, well that just doesn't seem to stick in our memory, it's interesting how that works.   Then there is, of course, the portrayal and comments made by the news media, as well as Hollywood’s reinforcement in their movies with the negative elderly stereotype.

     The other day, while I was at the SLCC /Sand Wedge restaurant for lunch, I spoke with the youngsters who were working there.  I asked them how they liked working in a retirement community, to which the young man replied:  (I’d guess him to be in his early 20’s) He said he liked it, that he’d been here 7 years, so he guessed that should say how much he liked it.  I then proceeded to ask him how he found the people, as in aren’t they grumpy and nasty?  To which he responded, “People always ask me if I had to take special courses to work with the elderly.”  Seriously!!   Ha ha, like there is an old people course, because after all we are all exactly the same after a certain age.  He then continued to regale me with his understanding and wisdom of working with the elderly.  He said he guessed that the grumpy ones were probably in pain and not feeling well so he thinks that is why they are that way. Hmm, so I said, “Customer service is customer service no matter the age, believe me I have dealt with some pretty nasty 20-30 year-olds during my career.”  I decided to further enlighten him on seeing the person, not the age; I said, really, and I then used as an example, my Mother-in-law, who is a happy, friendly, feisty 90 years young. They both responded with yes, I know her and you are right; she is so nice and funny, always smiling.  To which I responded, “See you looked past her age and looked at the individual and not a stereotype of an elderly person.  The same as you do with sex, religion or race. Chances are if they were a nasty, unhappy grumpy person when they were young, they most likely will be nasty and unkind when they are old.  I rest my case.”

     Every year when we clink our glasses to a new year, we realize oops, we are another year older, so with the bubble in our champagne glasses there also comes bubbles of anxiety. We live in a world that is obsessed with looking young and beautiful.  I am of the opinion that people fear losing their youth, as all they will be left with is fear, loneliness and regret.  I say stop already, focus on the feelings you had when you were younger, return to what brought you joy in your youth, and embrace the mystery that lies ahead.

     As much as we would like to think fear of aging is a recent phenomenon, it isn’t.  We are just more aware due to the changes in media; the ideas of finding a fountain of youth have been around since Plato’s time.  On a lighter note, I really got a good chuckle out of listening to a 25 year old that is worried about wrinkles and already getting injections of Botox. You see this stuff on Twitter, message boards and Facebook, it is funny but at the same time very sad that they are so obsessed and worried about getting older at such a younger and younger age.   It is such a strong cultural condition that I fear the new 40 is really 25!  Is it any wonder they revile and fear the elderly? 

     I think my generation; the hippie generation that is, is contributing to perhaps reshaping this thinking! They seem to say; hey look at us and envy us, growing older and aging gives you new freedoms!  I say age stereotype is being eradicated by Baby Boomers! <Grin> But seriously, society must  stop looking at aging as decline, and thinking that the history/experiences of the elderly should be erased because of the new technologies that make us outdated.  It irritates and saddens me that old age is so stigmatized in our culture making our young people disidentify with the elderly, saying they may be old, but we won’t be.  They truly believe the hype they can defy genetics and the natural evolution of life, aging.

     I have a confession, when I first came to Sun Lakes, and entered the main clubhouse and all I saw around me where grey heads, I panicked and said they are all sooo old, I will never fit in here. I am not that old!  My BFF husband provided me with a reality check and quickly reminded me that I dyed my hair and that I was among their number.  <Grin>

     On that note here are my final ramblings on this topic; we must remember to treat each person as an individual, with respect and dignity, and remember like me, they don’t feel old.  That is not to say there is some special feeling that age brings, but keeping in mind they are just being themselves only older.  And to the young I say, don’t fear aging, look forward to it, it is not a disease to fear, but strength and survivor-ship, triumph over all kinds of vicissitudes and disappointments you should be proud of. The fountain of youth is inside each of us; it is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of your family and others you love.  When you tap into this then you will have truly defeated age. Never forget, you‘re as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fears, as young as your hope, as old as your despair, and wrinkles only appear where smiles have been. 

     I hope I had you wondering while reading this blog what the heck FOGO is!  Well I shall enlighten you my friends; it is my new favorite acronym “Fear Of Getting Older.”    I thank you again for taking this retirement journey with me, or as I refer to it, “my longest coffee break."  I'm just sayin’…