The Dreaded Christmas Letter

I have to confess as I begin this Blog, I am one of the lemmings that send out a Christmas letter almost every year. So as I sat down to write the obligatory (or at least it is in my mind) letter, I thought of how BFF Steve and I have such a laugh at the Christmas letters we receive. So I decided, since people who receive mine are most assuredly doing the same, this year I would write it with the intent of giving them Christmas Cheer!  Before I share our 2015 family Christmas letter with you, you guessed it, I wondered about the origin of the Christmas Letter, and so off I went to the internet and decided this was an amusing way to kick off the New Year.

If you are like my family, you look forward to getting Christmas letters. You know you can count on them being crammed with statements of the family’s successes for the past year, and from what I have been able to research they've been that way for generations. It seems that writing and mocking the “Christmas letter” has been an American tradition since the 1950’s, so much so that the Atlantic published a piece on them, “The Corny Appeal of the Christmas Letter from the 1950’s Through Today.” They share the following:  "Read another one, Dad!" says the title character in a 2001 episode of the show Everybody Loves Raymond. It’s Christmas morning, and the Barones are sitting on the sofa together, drinking coffee from snowman mugs and ridiculing their friends' holiday greetings. “‘Is it Christmas already?'" one letter begins. "'With our trip to colonial Williamsburg, remodeling the living room, and Denny's successful run for city council, the months have just flown by!"

 It seems from the research I did, that people decided the Christmas letter would be easier than sending out Christmas cards and so at Christmas we find them in the mail, either by themselves or enclosed with the Christmas card.  I admit that I find the pretense of them being a sincere Christmas greeting quite hilarious.  In my opinion they are actually an unabashed family fairy tale, or a means to regale us with how wonderful and perfect their family is.

So as we read them one thing stands out to me (and so the experts agree), they all seem to have a script. They begin the opening sentence with the word “Well” and then “here it is Christmas again!” (Note the exclamation point). Or another of my personal favorites, “Well, hard to realize, Christmas has rolled round once more!” Then there is the more expansive version of this, “Well, Christmas finds us all one year older, but young as ever in the spirit of the Season!” The experts tell us what is being said is unimportant, just as long as the sentence starts with “Well,” and ends, of course with an exclamation mark.

Following the script, the letters seem to delve ever so slightly on the families misfortunes they suffered during the year, and then on to amuse us with the happy events, and of course they miss no opportunity for self-congratulations.

All that said, I was sad to hear the experts state that Social Media has impacted our favorite Christmas pastime of reading these letters. It seems that due to Social Media the amount of cards and letters we receive is dwindling. Oh my!  I truly find this ominous, what will it mean to us if no one sends out cards and letters anymore? I love sending and opening these cards.  Why? It’s not the greeting inside the card, but the recognition that a distant friend or relative we hadn't heard from in a year was still thinking about us, and maybe sharing news about major events of the past 12 months that we wouldn’t have normally known about.

I confess I love hearing about what the people who lived by me 20 years ago, or those I worked with are up to.  Even though I sometimes have to jog my memory to figure out who they are and why they are sending me a card. <Grin>  But if it weren’t for this annual tradition, I think it would be easy to lose touch. Don’t get me wrong, I love technology and social media such as FB and Twitter. It is fun seeing the pictures of family and friends and the instant insight into what’s going on in their world.  But alas, it just doesn’t replace the fact that someone has our name and address in an old address book they pull out at Christmas. It tells me at the moment they wrote the card they were thinking of us and sending the card or letter reminds us of that and them.

It is my opinion we shouldn’t just write off the liking of the Christmas letter and cards to nostalgia, I think it’s weirder than nostalgia. It’s not just looking back on one happy era, but standing for actually putting pen to paper, and writing. I believe it’s still important,that we need a symbol of the past to compare with the symbols of the present.

So as for BFF hubby and I, we hope we’re not seeing the death of the Christmas card and letter because of social media, but are a part of its rebirth. 

When all is said and done, we love the corny confessional, self-promotional, hokey, charming, earnest, introspective missives we receive each year.  And on that that note I will sign off and share with you what came out of the minds of BFF hubby and me in our annual Christmas missive. We think we hit all the must haves in the letter, while still laughing at ourselves and the premise of the Christmas Letter.

The Dreaded Christmas Letter from the Kretchman’s.     

Dear friends and family,

This year Grumps, aka Steve or Dad, decided to get serious about golfing. He had an Ah Ha moment and decided golf is for everyone, not just the talented few. Yes he did it. He enrolled in golf lessons and we know it is working because he is hitting fewer bystanders/houses and is repairing fewer clubs. He now lectures other golfers at the Country Club on how to shave 5 points off their game, he calls it an eraser.  He plays rain or shine all the while telling me not to worry about lightening.  He just holds up a 1 iron, because after all, not even God can hit a 1 iron. He will be presented this year’s Gaming Award for the most hours logged.

Living our idyllic Sun Lakes life, we thought we had sealed ourselves into a crime free enclave.  Ah but not so!  The Crime Network will be featuring our Colombo type adventure soon, by sharing the story of our harrowing mishap of someone stealing our beloved golf cart. It truly happened right in front of the clubhouse while we were enjoying lunch.  Grumps was sure I was having a serious senior moment as he went into detective mode, only to find it wasn’t so. It had actually vanished. But do not despair, there is hope for humanity!  A Good Samaritan followed our golf cart through the gates and called the local police. All’s well that ends well as Grumps got his trusty stead back.  We also learned a valuable life lesson, which I shall graciously share with you regarding golf cart security; golf cart manufacturers key the golf carts with the same key for the whole model year. Brilliant!

I Gram, aka Raelene or Mom, am proud to announce I received national recognition for watching every season of the Gilmore Girls on Netflix in record time.  But Kudos must go to the Amazon Fire Stick for making all this possible. I have since decreed the Fire Stick as the best invention of the 21st century!  Another of my proud accomplishments; I single handedly saved Amazon with my online shopping and Kindle purchases. I am proud to announce my nomination for a “Best of the Net” award for my blog, (which by the way is the only way I have to explain my own life to myself).  I shall also be receiving the prestigious “Social Innovation Award” for having booked the most meetings and social engagements at one time on a single calendar.  On the medical front, the doctor discovered that I have a disease called “proquiltinating” for which there is apparently no cure. Steve, has to suffer along with me as it continues to take over my life. The medical definition for “proquiltinating” is: working on quilts when you should be doing laundry, cleaning house, cooking, eating or any other normal life tasks. I am getting through it with my version of the “Fight Song” titled “She Who Dies with the Most Fabric is not Quilting Fast Enough.”

As for Gimli, he is now in the Guinness book of records for being the first dog rejected by the Doggie K-9 Boot Camp. However, we are proud to announce he will be receiving this year’s fitness award from Michelle Obama as a result of his hard work in going to doggy marathons and diet innovations (no more doggie cookies). His efforts resulted in the shedding of 10 lbs., thus setting an example for dogs everywhere.  He was also very ambitious in finding a cure for his aggression.  He is currently in negotiations with Pfizer for doggy downers.

In closing we would just like to say, if anything in this letter strikes you as the least bit plausible, please go out and stock up on hay ‘cuz Santa’s bringing you a pony. *

Wishing you and yours a Very Merry Christmas, and a Joyous, Healthy & Prosperous New Year!

Steve, Raelene & Gimli

*Okay, maybe the part about Gimli is a little true

I thank you again for taking this retirement journey with me, or as I refer to it, “my longest coffee break."  I'm just sayin’…