Do you like being old my granddaughter asked me.

 

I was asked innocently by my beautiful very young granddaughter, not maliciously but as an honest question, after I joked Gram is old, she said to me, Gram do you like being old? My immediate response was no, who would.  But then I thought hmm, now that is really an interesting question, and did I really answer her honestly? So I decided aha, what a sweet blog topic. I am sure there are many other grandmothers out there who feel the same as I do.

So as I pondered the question, I first went through a bit of depression, I am old, but in  my mind I am still that young girl surfing in the ocean, and playing with my friends on the beaches of Oceanside where I grew up. Then I get a look at myself in the mirror and I find myself saying, “Who is that person?”  That said, I sat down to the computer and decided to see if I could really answer her question honestly. So for my Princess here goes:

I think that I am now, for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh don’t get me wrong, I am most certainly not referring to my body! I sometimes anguish over my body - the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, the sagging butt, or lack thereof, and the not so good working knees.  I am always shocked and taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror!  Who is that person?  However if I am really honest here, I really don't agonize over those things for very long.

I would never trade my amazing, wonderful life that I have with my loving family for less gray hair or a skinny body, at least I don’t think I would. Just kidding.  As I've aged, I find I have become kinder to myself, and less critical. I have finally became my own friend. I don't reprimand myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, cleaning my house or doing laundry, or for buying that silly cement gnome that I didn't need, but looks so perfect on my patio. I decided that I am entitled to overeat, to be messy, diet or not diet, or to just be extravagant. I have seen too many friends and family leave this world too soon, before they were able to realize and experience the great freedom that comes with aging.

I decided whose business is it really if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 am, or watch marathon movies and sleep until noon?  I will dance and sing with myself to my favorite songs from the 60's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a book I am reading... I will!  I will go to the pool in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the water with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the bikini set. They, too, will get old someday, it is the cycle of life after all!

I may be at times forgetful, but then again, some of the things that have happened in life are just as well forgotten, and I always remember the important things.

Yes, over the years my heart has been broken on many occasions. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child or grandchild suffers, or even when a beloved pet passes on?  I have found that broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion.  I count my blessings every day that I have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn gray. I can say 'no,' and mean it. I can say 'yes,' and mean it, or do nothing at all!

I have found that as I grow older, it is easier for me to let things go, and to be more positive.  When I ask myself why that is, I think that it is because I care less about what other people think, and I find it’s just not that important to me any more in the grand scheme of my life. I don't question myself as much, and the best thing of all…. I have even earned the right to be wrong, and that’s OK.

So, to answer my granddaughter’s question, “Yes, I like being old, as I feel it has set me free. I finally like the person I have become. I know that I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time being nostalgic over what might or could have been, or worrying about what my future will be. I shall do what makes me happy every single day.  And for today and all your tomorrows…… I wish for you days of ordinary miracles. Gram.”

I thank you again for taking this retirement journey with me, or as I refer to it, “my longest coffee break."  I'm just sayin’…

 

 

Are you a Debbie Downer or Negative Nancy?

 

My Daughter posted an article about the 6 most toxic behaviors and said most people won’t see themselves in it.  So I read them and I am starting with #1.  After reading it I said, maybe not me all the time but I know I am guilty of this one on occasion especially with my family. Here is the first one, and as I looked around I could see where this could cause a lot of unnecessary drama among the people I am currently associating with. Read it honestly and see if you can recognize yourself: “Taking everything personally-People are toxic to be around when they believe that everything that happens in life is a direct assault on them or is in some way all about them. The reality is that what people say and do to you is much more about them, than you. People’s reactions to you are about their filters, and their perspectives, wounds and experiences. Whether people think you’re amazing, or believe you’re the worst, again, it’s more about them. I’m not saying we should be narcissists and ignore all feedback. I am saying that so much hurt, disappointment and sadness in our lives comes from our taking things personally when it’s far more productive and healthy to let go of others’ good or bad opinion of you, and to operate with your own heart, intuition and wisdom as your guide. So yes – don’t take anything personally.”

So after dealing with some very negative seniors where I live I thought, ok what about complaining?  This seems to be a key topic in a senior community. So I decided this was definitely toxic and deserved to be a blog topic (Grin) see if you agree.

com·plain  verb gerund or present participle: complaining

1.      Express dissatisfaction or annoyance about a state of affairs or an event. “local authorities complained that they lacked sufficient resources" protest, grumble, whine, bleat, carp, grouse, make a fuss

Phew that about covers what I over hear all the time. Why do the elderly complain about everything?  The experts say much depends on their personality throughout their lives. If they were the type of people who were always bickering and negative, complaining may be the only way they know how to communicate, (now that is a scary thought).They may not even be aware how their attitude affects others. Ok Ok it makes some sense to me, I always contend that once a nasty person always a nasty person. And realistically, as they age they aren't likely to change their personalities, right. Add to that the physical and mental frustrations that go with aging, which more than likely help to intensify an already negative personality.

This makes perfect sense, but what about that sweet lady you know who suddenly becomes a complainer, how about that Mr. Expert?  Hmmm, the experts say medications can cause personality changes. Anti-seizure medications, blood pressure medications, even anti-inflammatories can cause personality changes in some people. Many an elder has been thought to have dementia, but once off all drugs, the dementia suddenly disappears. Drugs should always be suspect in sudden personality changes. An interesting take don’t you think?

I say that’s all well and good, but what I have observed and feel is; all of us have beliefs, many of them subconscious as they were more than likely engrained in us during our childhood years, about what it means to get older. Psychologists call these “age stereotypes.” And, it turns out, they can have an important effect on a seniors’ health. 

So it sounds to me as if the experts are saying older people become what they think?  Kind of like the old saying you are what you eat (Grin).  But when stereotypes are negative, like when seniors are convinced becoming old means becoming useless, helpless or devalued that plays head games with them and the experts tell us they would be less likely to seek preventive medical care and die earlier, and more likely to suffer memory loss and poor physical functioning.  These very same experts state that on the adverse side, when stereotypes are positive, when older adults view age as a time of wisdom, self-realization and satisfaction, results point in the other direction, toward a higher level of functioning. The latest report, in The Journal of the American Medical Association, suggests that seniors with this positive bias are 44 percent more likely to fully recover from a bout of disability.

Ok enough of what the experts think, I remember when I was growing up we called these complainers Negative Nancy’s or Debbie Downers. I know it is hard to be positive when we have such a negative society as a whole, but it is tiring to hear so much complaining, it’s too hot, then it’s too cold, then I can’t go out because it’s raining, why are they making us wait, why don’t the doors open earlier and on it goes.

 

 As you can see I have strong opinions on this, and one such opinion is that negative people tend to leave others around them drained and tired! Oh come on now you know that’s true!  No matter what you say, they always seem to find a way to counter with a negative opinion. When they face a problem, they immerse themselves in the issue rather than deal with it constructively.  See, now you understand why I think complaining belongs in the category of toxic behavior. (Grin)  Negative and complaining people make themselves a victim and they tend to adopt a self-victimizing mindset, complaining or being negative about whatever it is that is happening in that moment, real or imagined! Even if you provide them with a solution, they will quickly turn on you as the problem.

I can some what relate (as I am one of their kind), that the elderly often feel like their opinions and thoughts don’t matter.  I have found in my recent experiences, if you allow them to have their say without any retort, it more often than not softens them a bit, and magically they stop complaining. The old saying of “in one ear and out the other” really does apply. You may not agree with what they have to say, but realizing that it isn’t a personal attack against you can alleviate a load of stress. See how that fits into the opening toxic behavior statement I shared. (Grin)

My take away on this topic: I truly believe and I have found through personal experience, the best way to deal with these types of people, is to let or allow them to express their negativity. Really! Practice patience, smile often and get their mind off what they are complaining about by talking about something else.  How do I do that you say, this is easily done by asking them their opinion on something, or how are you feeling. (Grin)  I have decided to just laugh it off and realize that with some people it is a long time habit or learned behavior.  And in the end I refuse to give them that much power and will not give in to their negative pattern or allow it to divert my course, not even for a moment! I challenge you to do the same.  I saw this on the internet, so I have no idea who to give credit to as with most things on the internet, however I felt it was most appropriate to end with; as you breathe right now, another person takes their last. Stop complaining and learn to live life with what you have.

I thank you again for taking this retirement journey with me, or as I refer to it, “my longest coffee break."  I'm just sayin’…

As a Retiree are you a Fashionista or Inappropriate Dresser?

As I was leaving a lunch at the club house the other day I noticed a woman who I am guessing was 80ish; I’m saying “guessing” as it is impossible to tell a woman’s real age what with all the hair dyes and great make up. <Grin> She was wearing high heels, and one of those dresses that are long in the back and short in the front and I thought, cute or inappropriate for her age? Ha Ha, I thought, look who’s talking about inappropriate attire, as I had on my Stones (famous insignia) T-shirt with leggings. But as is usual for me, this got me to thinking, wouldn’t this be an interesting blog topic?  So off to the research I went, as usual, to see what the so-called experts had to say.

Before I get into the experts opinions, here are the off the top of my head thoughts on fashion; just because you are of a certain age that DOES NOT mean you can’t be stylish. Contrary to what our youth obsessed culture tells us, that everyone over the age of 30 should either a) dress like Miley Cyrus or b) wear horrible mommy jeans and Christmas sweaters. Yes, yes, I know, many trends are geared for the younger generation, but it’s the seasoned/mature fashionista who can exude real style!  But you say hey, what about those of us who have crossed the 60-year mark and still want to keep it poppin’?  Well that is exactly what I want to explore, so let’s see what the experts have to say on this topic.

In one of the articles about fashion for the aging (that would be us) by the budget fashionista, she gives us this advice:

Please throw out the following:

      1. Floor-length floral printed dresses

2. Muumuus (unless they are for lounging around the house)
3. Long (ankle-length), unstructured, A-line skirts
4. Elastic-waisted pants that make everyone look like a balloon
5. Unstructured pants and suits
6. Large, oversized t-shirts (hmm, I love these with sweats in the winter <Grin>
7. Khaki/mauve-colored grandma flats
8. Unstylish jumper-type dresses (usually made of khaki or jean material)
9. Sweaters with embroidery, appliques, etc. (especially Christmas sweater 

Then start re-building your wardrobe. The easiest first step is to go the monochromatic (i.e. wearing one, simple color like blue, red, green, black, white, khaki, etc.) route. Which will make you look slimmer and classic. Now monochromatic doesn’t mean boring or boxy, just means keeping it simple.

Hmm, interesting take; then I thought back on my own Mother who, as I was growing up, was always an embarrassment to me. When miniskirts and go go boots with diamond mesh black stockings were the thing (60’s as you can tell), out struts my Mother in exactly that.  OMG, I thought, she needs to dress her age. As an adult with a teenage daughter I recall she felt the same about me, and my granddaughter was heard saying the same thing to my daughter.  I am sure those of you who have a daughter can relate to this experience.  

Who knew, there are a myriad of blogs and articles on style for older women. Here is what was written on one such blog which had me fuming, as their obvious intent was to sell us the matronly clothes they had on their site:  “ Much like any other aspect of life (cooking, love, money, and so on) turning to those that have seen and experienced more than yourself for advice is a wise choice. Keeping this in mind, we couldn't help but notice a gap in our blogger coverage for women that are no longer in their twenties and thirties—but not anymore! We read through reader comments, scoured the web, and asked around for the best blogs by "older" women, and the process was so thoroughly inspiring that we had to share. Scroll down to see our list, and if you love their look be sure to shop pieces inspired by their style!”

Why did this blog anger me?  Well, the arrogant statement of “turning to those that have seen and experienced more than yourself for advice is a wise choice.”  The mere fact that we are over 60 says we have more than likely seen and experienced far more than this little fashion blogger. Here is the definition of fashion:

fash·ion

noun

1.  a popular trend, especially in styles of dress and ornament or manners of behavior.

"his hair is cut in the latest fashion"synonyms:  vogue, trend, craze, rage, mania, fad

I will share with you a few statements from the experts: “Maybe you grew up in a very conservative environment, so now is the time to explore fashion and learn more about style icons like Jackie Onassis, Jane Birkin or Audrey Hepburn. We see woman over 50, such as actress Diane Keaton and model Lauren Hutton, regularly continue to outclass younger starlets because they have remained consistently stylish with clothing that is not only perfect for their age, but also possesses a look that suits their personalities.” Seth Cohen writes and has featured hundreds of style profiles of men and women over 60. He told Vogue magazine, “Advertisers are silly not to focus on such an important and large segment of the population. Youth culture is important but it’s sad when everything in the media starts to look the same – so many of the faces are expressionless and lack character, and it doesn’t make sense to chase an impossible dream of eternal youth.”

I think ole Seth hit this dead on, eternal youth is an impossible dream. What I have seen and have experienced in my community are some very fashionable ladies who make the best of what they have and don’t let age slow them down a bit.  If they like the fashion, well then they buy it. It appears that in retirement fashion is still a huge part of their lives.  This is confirmed to me by the many fashion shows I attend here for the different clubs and events!  Sometimes it seems that there is at least one fashion show a month! Ok, Ok, maybe not actually, however it certainly feels like I go to a lot of fashion shows!  What I admire the most about these shows is the models are ladies from our community and they come in all shapes and sizes.  I often feel that the fashion designers should take stock, it really is an untapped resource!

I, like many of us as we age, would like to take “age” out of the equation.  I say we applaud the milestones in our lives like graduating from college, landing that new job, finding your life partner, traveling the world, or whatever you have achieved in your life and not focus on age.  Then on the other hand I have to admit there is a big difference between who I was at age 25 and who I am in my 60’s, and the differences deserve to be acknowledged. It all meshes together with the life lessons I learned at each age. So as my identity has evolved and changed through the years, so goes my fashion style as I continue to climb that life ladder. landing that dream job, finding your life partner, traveling the world — regardless of when they're achievedlanding that dream job, finding your life partner, traveling the world — regardless of when they're achievedlanding that dream job, finding your life partner, traveling the world — regardless of when they're achieved

Another headline from the experts reads: How to not look too old (or too young) and dress for any age! I just don’t get it! Who gets to decide what is too old or too young?  I have seen a new style looking better on my 80-year-old friend than on any 15-year-old. It’s called knowing your body type and adorning it with what accents it.  Wouldn’t you rather look great (period), than great for your age?! I know I would!!

What I am not hearing on these blogs is: the goal is to be chic at any age and make your style gorgeous, without an expiration date!  While doing all this research I was unable to find out who the “They” are who have determined what age appropriate clothing is!  As we are all aware, Americans are a society that bases everything on age; from our rights, our behaviors, our health habits, our family priorities, our looks, all of these things are centered on the number of years we've been alive! I say to heck with that, it is obviously a very flawed system!  I don’t think that fashion should apply to everyone based only on numbers that really don't have anything to do with a person’s maturity. Perhaps instead of saying that women should dress older or dress younger, we should redefine "age appropriateness" as something that inspires confidence and creativity, as opposed to the trepidation and feeling that one's stylish days are over as soon as a certain number appears on their birthday cake. <Grin>

My take away on this:  It is this bloggers opinion that there is no reason to stop caring about fashion after the age of 60 and onward. Instead of being resigned to the so-called age appropriate clothes, how about just defining and developing your own personal style. By now we are all very familiar with our body type and what does and does not look good on us. We all have mirrors after all and are more critical of ourselves than anyone else could ever be. <Grin> So if your style is like Diane Keaton (my personal favorite), or more flamboyant like Goldie Hawn, or just casual jeans and a T-shirt, then go for it, do what makes you happy and what you feel good in. When it comes to "age appropriate" clothing, perhaps it's not so much about numbers as it is about one's own confidence and ability to pull off trends and styles without looking like they are trying to be anything other than themselves. And to quote Dorothy Parker, “Years are only garments, you either wear them with style all your life, or else you go dowdy to your grave!” 

I thank you again for taking this retirement journey with me, or as I refer to it, “my longest coffee break."  I'm just sayin’…

 Diane Keaton

 

 Goldie Hawn

 

Social Media and Retirees

 

The definition in Wikipedia for Social Media is - so·cial me·di·a noun: websites and applications that enable users to create and share content or to participate in social networking.

I have been on Facebook (FB) and Twitter for quite some time, and as I have confessed in many prior blogs, I am an electronics nerd.  I was on Facebook’s predecessors, America Online (AOL), and My Space.  With my most recent experiences on FB I decided WOW, these retirees are to be commended! Why is that you say, well I find they have actually reinvented or tailored FB to their needs.  I was so impressed that I decided this had to be a blog topic.  So off I went to see what the experts had to say about social media and retirees.

Phew, there are a lot of statistics on the fact that the elderly, that would be us, are using FB to stay connected. A study by the Pew Internet Research Project tracked technology use among older adults. They stated that while they (that would be us) lag behind the national average, about 59 percent of respondents reported using the Internet, a 6 percent jump from 2012, and 26 percent more than in 2008.  Among those, 71 percent said they went online daily. That sounds pretty darn good to me, better than I had expected!  They also stated there are 44 different social media tools today, phew, who knew.  The experts stated the top social media are: Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Pinterest, Tumblr, Instagram, VK, Vine, Flickr, Meetup, Tagged, Meetme, and Classmates.  I confess I know about most of these but they lost me on VK, Meetme, and Tagged.  I’m guessing these are geared to hooking up with someone. <Grin> But the statistics show the elderly are not too keen on Twitter.  I happen to find it entertaining, as people are definitely snarkier on it. But I suppose as a senior we don’t see the relevance of tweeting every second of your day, where you went, what food you are eating…. Ad nauseam.

While doing my research I also read an article in the Wall Street Journal about an “e-event,” which it seems is expressing anger via email, text, chat, Twitter or FB.   The studies show it makes the person feel better, but the same research shows it actually makes them become angrier and more aggressive.  It seems the worst posts and angriest are those that do so anonymously.  It would appear a bad vent can come back to hurt you, causing you to alienate friends or family, or maybe just getting stereotyped as a whiner or someone with anger-management issues (what a surprise).  We all know that what happens on the Internet stays on the Internet—forever—which may do or cause lasting damage to your reputation. Why this would be a surprise to anyone is beyond me, once things are in cyberspace they develop their own life and one never knows what is going to go viral.

BFF Hubby and I are just turning the corner on year two living in a retirement community.  I still consider myself to be a newbie here, I suppose that is due to people who have been here 20+ years.  That said, one of the first things I searched for was a community Facebook page.  Much to my surprise there is a very savvy lady here who has set up not one but three Facebook pages in her attempt to meet the needs of the community, at least that’s what I think the intent was, or who knows, maybe it’s necessary to keep them all in line. <Grin> My favorite is her new one, the Baby Boomers site; it’s very fun! We are split into districts here and they also have FB pages to share district events, and news.

OK, OK, I have to tell you the thing that I find to be the most fun on all these sites, as well as the most amusing; believe it or not there are rules for each Facebook page. Seriously there are rules, who knew, and it is a requirement that you know these rules.  All this time I thought that FB was infamous for posting whatever is on your mind. (GRIN)  But having been on these FB pages for a while I can see why they need these rules!  Phew, these people can be snarky and downright pretentious. And then there are the self-appointed rule police, who don’t hesitate to jump all over people if they think they aren’t playing by the rules, or the rules as they interpret them, no kidding.  But like I always say, you have the right to speak your mind even if your voice shakes. <Grin>

Here was one of my favorite comments on a recent crazy, kind of mean post that just went all over the place and went on and on and on; “Has anyone noticed how one Sun Laker can post something, then it turns into three other topics with ENDLESS comments by everyone -- many several times over? At what point can a thread just die and go away?” This is a very true observation.  As I said everyone has some comment whether or not it is relevant to the topic at hand. Sometimes they are just stating their opinion and I love it most when they disagree, it’s as if only they and their opinions are relevant, no freedom of speech here. (Grin)

I had the best time with a recent FB posting; a person posted a picture of a bobcat to warn people to keep an eye on their smaller pets.  Good idea I thought, but what ensued was absolutely hysterical; there were postings from it wasn’t a bobcat, but a cougar, then it was a mountain lion; this from all the sightings people had. All great harmless entertainment, and in the end isn’t it really a great thing that some of the older long-term residents are at least embracing this media.  Ha Ha, that’s the fun stuff.  It seems for the retirees that FB is an outlet to ask questions, share information and sometimes to quickly dispel rumors.  This is where I have to throw in the quip about respecting the elderly, I mean you have to cut us some slack, as after all we grew up without Google or Wikipedia. <Grin>

And so I say have at it, post away, and it matters not if they tick off others, feel the need to keep everyone else in line or just post something they found funny or interesting, it just may be that one thing in their day which provided a purpose in their life.  On that note I just have to tell you a joke that the FB postings bring to mind: Some people talk so much crap I don’t know whether to offer them toilet paper or a breath mint. <Grin>

On a more serious note, I was really awed to see that FB really has a positive effect on retirees, and in this bloggers opinion, has had a profound impact on the ever changing world of retirement.  Many of the experts say that FB is often addictive for people, but I say hey, that’s not a problem if you’re retired <Grin>. It offers retirees an experience that just wasn’t there for them before.   It provides an opportunity for those, who are not able to run down the street and quickly visit with their families, a way to keep in touch.  It is the family glue, a way to keep track of our children, grandchildren, sisters, brothers, and old acquaintances, such as old school mates, and past co-workers. It also provides a social interaction for those who are homebound.  As I have personally observed in the community where I live, social media helps create and expand the community for those with shared interests, and can play an important role in the lives of the retirees who want to stay engaged.  FB helps them to keep abreast of relevant events going on in their community, a place where they can post things that may be of interest to others in the local area, and where they ask questions if they are new to the community.  FB is a great source of local knowledge and history of the community.

My take away - Facebook has filled a  void in the life of the retiree, allowing us to reach out and expand our neighborhoods within our community, and introducing us to people we may never have had the opportunity to meet otherwise.  It allows us to express and discuss our fears, anger, and desires or just share something that we enjoyed or that made us smile.  I think it helps us as we go through the most important phase of maturing, our continued growth in taking us from self-centering  allowing and helping us to gain a better understanding in our relationships with others.  Facebook is an outlet for retirees, a method to show others that age doesn’t need to have its face lifted, that it can still teach the world to admire wrinkles as the etchings of experience and the firm line of character…. And as Confucius says:  Old age, believe me, is a good and pleasant thing. It is true you are gently shouldered off the stage, but then you are given such a comfortable front stall as spectator.  And so I say- Post on.   

I thank you again for taking this retirement journey with me, or as I refer to it, “my longest coffee break."  I'm just sayin’…

“Mean Girl Syndrome” or “Ephebiphobia” in retirement.

I have been retired for a year now, which I can hardly believe myself!  So I decided it was time to branch out and participate in some additional clubs, looking to make new friends who have similar interests, and trying to enjoy my life to the fullest.  It seems to me, retirement is a time to enjoy all the things you never had time to do when you worked, right? Retirement is wonderful to me; it’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it! <Grin>

I am still in the honeymoon stage; I drive through the gates and can’t believe I live here. It’s like living full time at a vacation resort; seriously we really do love it here.  I think that the three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.

Those of you who follow my blog, or in the very least have read it a few times, know I truly enjoy people watching and observing the people in my community, in whatever social environment I find myself.  I have to say that this months topic I personally experienced, which both hurt and fascinated me: Mean Girls, or cliques, in retirement.  Really! <Grin> It made me shiver as my Spidey senses were once again proven right; here's a secret, I have discovered this place is full of cliques.  Yes really, with 60,70, 80 and 90 year old's.  It seems even women in retirement continue to try and reinvent themselves, and they either let you into the inner circle or they don’t.  I have no idea what makes them decide you are in or out, the only thing I can figure is perhaps you are an outsider because you are not the original people who moved here 10-25 years ago.   I have also noticed that the same people seem to be in a lot of clubs, and the leader of the pack in each seems to be from one of these cliques, and they are always at the center of the club making all the rules etc.

I am so sad to report to you some of them are just unkind, thoughtless women who appear to have a selfish pattern of behavior; you know the kind who band together leaving others out entirely.  One good thing (?) I noticed is that they don’t seem to discriminate between men and women; it appears that no one is off limits to them!

For some reason, I have become fascinated in observing these women within these social situations and within their cliques.  Always shaking my head and ginning to myself as I watch these senior/grown women, vying to be the center of attention.  Reality check, OMG its High School all over again!  

The more I researched this subject, the more puzzled I became, perhaps the experts are correct and we may just be neurologically hardwired to seek out people like ourselves.  It certainly appears so to me, people seem to start forming cliques as soon as they’re old enough to know what acceptance feels like. They bond together based on anything that they have in common; such as music preference, sports, race, gender, the block that they grew up on, or in the case of retirement, the clubs. 

I can attest from my personal experiences that women are naturally competitive, (Ya think?) <Grin> and that may be what motivates women to form cliques at an early age.  With the cliques in high school the only thing harder than getting in, was staying in. Not so with the senior cliques - the hard part is getting in; once you’re in, I am thinking you’re there for life. <Grin>

As you can tell I am trying to approach this with humor, as I am inclined to do, yet I must confess  there are other times, when I am more inclined to be more introspective; the times that I find things like this sad and hurtful, especially when observing the faces of the people they have been mean to. What truly surprises me is that at this age, 60, 70, 80, or 90-years old, well I’m thinkin’ that they should be more worried about what they will have to answer for in heaven than what people here think of them? Just sayin’ (Grin).  It seems to me that they of all people should be aware that life is really short and you should be kind to others.  But alas, not the case, and let me tell you this was an eye opener; these ladies really show rude exclusivity and thoughtless cliquishness every day!  Phew, what is going on here, you may well ask?  Is this reminding anyone of the movie Mean Girls, if so you are spot on!

OK, OK, some of you are saying or asking yourself what is a Mean Girl? It’s hard to pinpoint an exact definition, but I think most of us can agree on the idea that they are “women, who use passive-aggressive or outright aggressive tactics to shame, humiliate, ostracize, or hurt other women, often with the intention of making themselves look better by comparison,” I think it certainly fits the Mean Girl stereotype.  In my opinion mean girls are in short, bullies whose target is primarily other women!

I saw this on the Internet and thought it fitting-here are some signs that you may be a grown up Mean Girl:

• You're never pleased - no matter what happens in your life.
• You always have something to be mad or complain about. 
• You're just never happy with anything. 
• 80-90 percent of your conversation consists of talking about other people. 
•  The past was always the best times of your life. 
•  You find it physically painful to compliment other women. 
•  You look for weakness in others…and you pounce.

It does cause me to laugh when I see senior ladies (I use the term oldies, or seniors with love as I too am amongst their number whether they acknowledge me or not) acting and behaving like they are still in high school.  Seriously, when I worked I found gossip to be entertaining; occasionally I heard the most fascinating things about myself that I never knew. <Grin> Now it’s just darn right sad to see it still going on at this stage of my life.

I observed a group openly talking about going somewhere, they asked me to go, and I promptly declined, while this other lady kept asking when they were going, only to be ignored. I have viewed this type of scenario more times than I would like to tell you about. Then on another instance I observed a group sitting at a table, and the lady asked politely if the seat was taken, and they said yes, when in actuality it wasn’t, I kept an eye on it and no one ever took that seat.  Then there was the lady who stopped by to say Hi, only to have them say Hi, and abruptly turn their backs on her and continue their conversation. So rude!

On another instance I noted that one person really wanted to be on a committee, well first she was in, then she was out; it seemed one of the committee women had a friend that wanted in, or they decided they didn't like this particular candidate.  It was sad to watch the disappointment and hurt of the lady who was originally in only to be told she didn’t make it. Whether you call this politics, cliquishness, it still seems to be prevalent in the world of senior citizens.

So what do you do if you come into this "Mean Girl” adult syndrome?  Well you remind yourself that confident, secure people do not act in a thoughtless and exclusionary way; and that these kinds of people gravitate to one another. When you get right down to it, their behavior is self-hexing, as in Karma.  How you treat people, and what you do to people will always come back to you. And I prefer to live by the rule that no one can hurt me without my permission. I won’t let them taint me, as  I believe that who I am is measured by my kindness; my education and intellect by my modesty; and my real caliber, the who I am inside, is measured by the consideration and tolerance I have for others.  

One last thought that I explored, was, could this be a generational thing, after all the majority of the people could be my parents, maybe much the same as   Ephebiphobia; the fear of youth. First coined as the "fear or loathing of teenagers," today the phenomenon is recognized as the "inaccurate, exaggerated and sensational characterization of young people" in a range of settings around the world. Seriously if you are in your early 60's they refer to you as a kid LOL. 

I think that about covers things. <Breathe and Grin>. My take away on this is: I choose not to socialize with the Mean Girls, giving them very little fodder for their gossip. If this means I am not a participant, then so be it. As with any kind of mean girl, or anyone who bullies anyone, there’s always a reason for it. There is that sadness in them or insecurity that makes them feel the need to exclude, gossip or hurt other people.  The fact is people gossip, because people are inherently insecure, and as a result of their insecurities they talk about other people.  They point out flaws in other people to feel good about themselves.   

It seems this is present at any age or social class. My guess is that no matter where you are in your life, or whatever set of people you’re with, it all still breaks down like high school does. You have social cliques, you have the people you get along with, the people you don’t and the people you are ambivalent about.  I choose to remember that life is short and we never have enough time for gladdening the hearts of those who travel the way with us, so I say “make haste to be kind.”

And so I leave you with the words of Gandhi, “First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.” I thank you again for taking this retirement journey with me, or as I refer to it, “my longest coffee break."  I'm just sayin’…

Humor is the best ingredient for survival!

I was sitting at my computer contemplating what to write for a blog, when this popped into my head; from my perspective, humor is society’s way of protecting themselves, only with a smile.    So what the heck, I thought to myself, why am I really writing a blog? Well self, I said, I think you wanted to go to a place where you felt important and where people just might listen and be interested in what you have to say. (Now I was getting excited, so I continued down this path.) Being a mother, wife and a boss hadn’t done that ... and yet, wouldn't it be ironic if my blog yielded the most important commodity being grown today, the elderly and the understanding that retired people are still well, viable, and what if I had hundreds of followers?  I promptly began to grin and laugh hysterically at myself, and hence came up with this month’s blog topic, humor. 

Why humor?  Because I like people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I enjoy most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills, and I am of the opinion it might just be one of the most important things in a person.  I realize that humor isn’t for everyone; it’s only for people who want to have fun and enjoy life, and feel alive. <Grin> On the serious side of humor, I find some humor can be offensive, almost a form of bullying, like the kind that is at the other person’s expense. There is really a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. 

So that was where my mind was going and I thought to myself that I have been a bit too serious of late in my blogging, that I needed to stop and smell the roses and get back to my core, finding the humor in all things. Get back to observing my fellow retirees.  I was certain I could find some humor somewhere, as after all there are 3000 homes and almost twice that many people in this community and to quote Dr. Seuss: “From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.”

 As I attended one of my club meetings, I promptly began to eavesdrop (I call it research), on one of the fellas talking to a new resident.  He proceeded to tell the newbie all about the woes of being retired, then he threw out this zinger:  you want to know the real trouble with retirement? You never get a day off! Now that statement, my friends, I found hysterical.  Why was it so funny to me, you ask? Well, let me tell you that for me his statement really was true!  I have been so busy during my first retirement year it has just flown by.  My calendar is so full I long for a vacation to get things done. The good news, I found out that it slows down here during the summer months, or at least that’s what I’m told, because most of the clubs go dark due to vacations.   Hmm, interesting thought, vacation.  Seriously, when you are retired I feel you’re permanently on vacation.  Maybe instead of vacation we should call them change of scenery trips? 

Talk about coincidence, and then out of the blue my son sent me a funny text while I was writing this blog, with a picture of a dog holding a guitar.  It said: this one I wrote about licking my (expletive deleted) but it means butt. <Grin> Reminding me that what is funny is different for everyone.

So back to the funny man in the club, of course I couldn’t help laughing out loud, which he then realized gave him a larger audience, so he spoke louder and began to rattle off some one-liners starting with you know you’re retired if:  

•  You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
• It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
• Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
• You step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
• Getting "lucky" means you remember where you left your car in the parking lot.
• Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
• You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.

Ha ha, I knew if I looked and listened hard enough I would find some humor.  I should have known I could always count on the old geezers, as it seems that women, as they grow older, rely more on cosmetics, but as men grow older, they rely more on a sense of humor.  <Grin>

 

So in my quest for humor anecdotes, I decided we should go to the CC and see the Golf Comic. He was funny, but when he started out my eyes crossed, as I didn’t get any of the golf jokes. However, BFF hubby found them hysterical, so I found myself focusing on his laughter, and the laughter of others around me, which in turn made me laugh. Well, the comic finally went down a funny path for me, as he was Irish, and being an Irish Catholic he went to parochial school.  He said, “When I was in school I wanted to be cool like the public school kids, they even walked cool. But as I got older I figured out they could walk cool because they didn’t carry any books,” ta dum dum, and so the next hour went. 

I like humor, and therefore I find myself gravitating to funny people.  Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can list.  I found that if you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows along with luck and success.  I think God gave us humor and imagination to compensate us for what we aren’t and to console us for what we are, imperfect humans. <Grin>

I asked one of the old geezers I seem to run into everywhere there is a large gathering (the first time at a wine tasting), why he was always so funny, to which he replied, not skipping a beat I might add, “Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective; an awareness that some things are really important, others not, and the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in our everyday lives.” Wow, now that’s deep! No wonder he is a happy, healthy 92 years young, what a brilliant statement and excellent attitude!

 As we were leaving an event, I threw out, “So how about President Obama being POTUS on Twitter.”  I wanted to see what they would say about Twitter, <Grin> to which one of the men said, “We could certainly slow down aging if we had to run it by Congress.”  Then he said, “When you are dissatisfied and long to return to your youth, think of algebra.”  Say what?? It did make me laugh but I wondered how he went there from the statement I made.  At this point I was really hoping that BFF hubby would be a while getting the car, so I could listen to these two very funny men a little while longer.  

 

All in all this was a very fun quest, I laughed a lot, wrinkles be dammed!  I learned a few new things, like a new comeback for telling your age, I’m 33 with 33 years’ experience; to not let aging get you down, because it’s hard to get back up; and just think, in dog years you would be dead. And my favorite quip was, don’t worry about wrinkles dear, they are just antique smiles. 

On that note I will leave you with my take away: Good humor is a tonic for the mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It attracts and keeps friends, and it is the direct route to serenity and contentment. You may not be able to change a situation, but with humor you can change your attitude about it. 

I thank you again for taking this retirement journey with me, or as I refer to it, “my longest coffee break."  I'm just sayin’…