Does “Happy Wife Happy Life” hold true to Happy Couples in
retirement?
Well, I can certainly see how this topic would be controversial
with couples. I have been married to my
BFF hubby for 36 years, 35 when I retired. What made me delve into this topic
was an article I had seen called “A Couples Guide to Happy Retirement.” By the heading I thought it would be all
about the financial ramifications on a couple when they retire. Much to my surprise this is what they said, “You know about America’s retirement savings woes, but you
might not be aware that the nation may be facing another, more personal
disaster. Call it The Married Couples’ Retirement Crisis.”
What it said was that 38% of the
couples can’t agree on how, when and where they’ll retire. Then it seems this
same 38% disagree as to the lifestyle they expect to live in retirement. So I figured it was my duty to help save
America’s marriages by blogging on the subject (you’re welcome). <Grin>
It seems, according to the “EXPERTS,” that couples neglect to prepare themselves psychologically prior to retirement, and that being retired changes the dynamics of a couple, much the same as having that first child. They tell us the biggest obstacle retired couples face is they don’t allow themselves enough space and time to decide what it is they do and don’t want to do together. In laymen terms, this means that because we are together 24/7 we get on each others nerves and the house begins to shrink. at least that was my interpretation and experience. It seems that no matter how much we love our spouse some of their endearing characteristics are well, irritating to say the least! I have to be honest, there are times when I would like to strangle my BFF hubby, he is grumpy and refuses to use his hearing aid, because he can hear fine, I’m the one with the hearing problem, yada yada yada. I am quite confident that every couple has their buttons each can push; the idea here I guess, is to let those things go, or realize that arguments are just a part of any marriage. Even though some days may seem worse than others. <Sigh>
I am going to digress on purpose
for a moment: one of the things none of the articles touched on was the fact
that as you age, things don’t work the same as they did, such as hearing loss,
eyesight, hips, knees, etc. This
frustrates the couples, and causes friction, as you feel inept, or emasculated,
and just plain hate that no matter what you do, it is a fact of life that
things don’t work like they used to and this can and does strain the relationship.
In my case many heated arguments as to you don’t listen to me, you don’t speak
loud enough and so on. Phew, OK I got
that off my chest.
OK, so BFF and I had discussed our
ideas of retirement, so check, no
problems for us there. When I did retire,
I noticed BFF hubby had developed his own routine, which did not take me into
account. But I told myself what did you
expect? After all, he had been retired
and on his own every day for the past three years. Really, his habits weren’t that horrible; he stayed
up late, OK no real difference there as it was his habit when we both worked,
as I went to bed relatively early, as I always had done. I got up at o-dark-thirty as I
had a far commute, while he was able to sleep in and rise later as he had the
luxury of being about 30 minutes or less from his work. Check,
no problems on that front for us.
One of the most interesting things
the experts said, and to which I somewhat agree, was that professional women have the
most difficult time retiring. Why you
ask? Well they tell us the professional women are not too crazy about the
typical homemaker role. Often, the expectation when they retire is they must
become the stereotypical homemaker, taking on the role of the grandmother
baking cookies and doing all the things they really never liked to do. For women who were homemakers, according to
the experts, the transition to retirement is much easier. Doesn’t that make
sense? When I was working I was much too
tired to come home and bake cookies or a cake, so I was a regular at the local
bakery. That’s just one of the many
things I didn’t do when working, that I actually enjoy now that I am retired,
that is, if I feel like it.
It seems because of the sexual
stereotypes when the man retires first, problems start as the wife expects him to
pitch in with the housework, and this for some reason makes him feel
emasculated. Check,
no problems here as we had a housekeeper and the only thing BFF hubby had added
to his repertoire was to assume cooking of the dinner. This was only a small
difference to us as we took turns with this when both of us where working. I have to confess that I was a bit resentful
as I went off to work, and he was still in bed and his day belonged to him as I
trudged off for a day of work. I am
quite certain this had a lot to do with my growing dissatisfaction in my work,
as I was not happy with the management I reported to. So I sucked it up and focused on the fact I
had a great job that would lend itself to a nice retirement. Since I have
retired, I have taken on the major role of housekeeping, which much to my
surprise I actually get satisfaction in doing, and BFF hubby helps; that is if you remember that you must assign him tasks and give him a days’ notice as to what he will be
doing the next day.
These very same experts encourage
both spouses to take time and think about what he or she wants to do when they
retire. Then share the information, try to help each other figure it all out
and be willing to compromise. Check, we had this one nailed. BFF hubby and I both communicated our
retirement desires during the three years prior to my retirement so we had a
clear vision of what we wanted to do when we moved into SLCC. He wanted to get back to playing his guitar
and golf. I wanted to pursue writing a
blog, reviewing books, quilting, gardening and joining some of the clubs, and
whatever else tickled my fancy. So we
were good on this front, check.
According to something I read in
the Wall Street Journal, an article by psychologist
Maryanne Vandervelde, in which she wrote about the importance of “parallel play”
in retirement, where spouses are engrossed in separate but parallel activities. Hmmm, I thought how does this work? She says
to make sure and create time, space and
sometimes provide help for what the other wants to do. Well we do our version of this, and the key I
think, to it working for us is that we acknowledge that if it’s important to you, it’s important to me!
The real test in our first year of
being retired was being together 24/7 during the winter months. Typically I am outside on the patio reading
and enjoying the outside or working in my garden, while BFF hubby watches TV
and plays his video game or is off to golf. I like quiet, and he likes
noise. In the winter it’s colder and I
was forced to be inside a lot more. I found that we both snapped and fussed at
each other more than usual; the TV annoyed me, as did him sitting and playing
his video game and so on. Thank goodness
I was quick to realize it for what it was and worked a schedule and a solution around
it. I would get up early, as he sleeps
in, to have my quiet time, watching the birds, drinking tea and reading (no noise),
this was the perfect respite I needed to make me feel rejuvenated each day. I
am of the opinion this is the unspoken problem with most couples who retire.
They are together much more than when they worked. I really believe it is important to find
things to do without each other. This, I think, is the answer to the separate
but parallel activities the experts referred to, at least for us.
I found also that coming from a
busy, hectic career it was hard for me to slow down, I felt like I needed to be
doing something, I couldn’t just sit around.
So the solution for me was that I got active and volunteered in the
clubs, which satisfied my need to be busy. And the fun thing was to be able to
just ramble and write my blog. I
determined that even if no one read it, it made me feel like I was doing
something productive with myself that I really had fun doing. I find that I am
much more into doing creative things, like quilting, ceramics, and writing than
wanting to cook. It is just too easy to
hop in the golf cart and go the clubhouse for dinner. I have embraced the ‘ME’ I have always been
and retirement doesn’t change that.
My take away from the research on
this topic and soul searching is: if you’re busy with an activity and your
husband/wife wants to do something else that’s more important to them at the
same time as your activity, you can’t say that their goal is less important. I
am not saying it will always be rainbows, if you are both strong personalities
there will always be bumps in the road.
Remember that husbands and wives are socialized to handle the ups and
downs of marriage differently; the ultimate best fix for BFF hubby and I is
communication, and to remember to have mutual respect for each other and what’s
important to each other. To quote
the advice columnist Ann Landers, "All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest-never vicious or cruel. Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principles of equal partnership." Compromise and
acceptance of your differences seems to be the best solution for couples, as it
is not our differences that divide us, but our inability to recognize,
accept, and celebrate those differences.
Stay with me for more ramblings and
observations… and thank you again for taking this retirement journey with me,
or as I refer to it, “my longest coffee
break." I'm just sayin’…
