I was asked innocently by my beautiful very young granddaughter, not
maliciously but as an honest question, after I joked Gram is old, she said to
me, Gram do you like being old? My immediate response was no, who would. But then I thought hmm, now that is really an
interesting question, and did I really answer her honestly? So I decided aha,
what a sweet blog topic. I am sure there are many other grandmothers out there
who feel the same as I do.
So as I pondered the question, I first went through a bit of depression,
I am old, but in my mind I am still that
young girl surfing in the ocean, and playing with my friends on the beaches of
Oceanside where I grew up. Then I get a look at myself in the mirror and I find
myself saying, “Who is that person?” That
said, I sat down to the computer and decided to see if I could really answer
her question honestly. So for my Princess here goes:
I think that I am now, for the first time in my life, the person I
have always wanted to be. Oh don’t get me wrong, I am most certainly not referring
to my body! I sometimes anguish over my body - the wrinkles, the baggy eyes,
the sagging butt, or lack thereof, and the not so good working knees. I am always shocked and taken aback by that
old person that lives in my mirror! Who
is that person? However if I am really
honest here, I really don't agonize over those things for very long.
I would never trade my amazing, wonderful life that I have with my
loving family for less gray hair or a skinny body, at least I don’t think I
would. Just kidding. As I've aged, I
find I have become kinder to myself, and less critical. I have finally became my
own friend. I don't reprimand myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not
making my bed, cleaning my house or doing laundry, or for buying that silly
cement gnome that I didn't need, but looks so perfect on my patio. I decided
that I am entitled to overeat, to be messy, diet or not diet, or to just be
extravagant. I have seen too many friends and family leave this world too soon,
before they were able to realize and experience the great freedom that comes
with aging.
I decided whose business is it really if I choose to read or play
on the computer until 4 am, or watch marathon movies and sleep until
noon? I will dance and sing with myself to my favorite songs from the 60's,
and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a book I am reading... I will! I will go to the pool in a swim suit that is
stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the water with abandon if I
choose to, despite the pitying glances from the bikini set. They, too, will get
old someday, it is the cycle of life after all!
I may be at times forgetful, but then again, some of the things
that have happened in life are just as well forgotten, and I always remember
the important things.
Yes, over the years my heart has been broken on many occasions.
How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child or
grandchild suffers, or even when a beloved pet passes on? I have found that broken hearts are what give
us strength and understanding and compassion. I count my blessings every day that I have
lived long enough to have my hair turn gray, and to have my youthful laughs be
forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so
many have died before their hair could turn gray. I can say 'no,' and mean it.
I can say 'yes,' and mean it, or do nothing at all!
I have found that as I grow older, it is easier for me to let
things go, and to be more positive. When
I ask myself why that is, I think that it is because I care less about what
other people think, and I find it’s just not that important to me any more in
the grand scheme of my life. I don't question myself as much, and the best
thing of all…. I have even earned the right to be wrong, and that’s OK.
So, to answer my granddaughter’s question, “Yes, I like being old,
as I feel it has set me free. I finally like the person I have become. I know
that I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not
waste time being nostalgic over what might or could have been, or worrying
about what my future will be. I shall do what makes me happy every single day. And for today and all your tomorrows…… I wish
for you days of ordinary miracles. Gram.”
I thank
you again for taking this retirement journey with me, or as I refer to it, “my longest coffee break." I'm just sayin’…
