My Daughter posted an article about the 6 most toxic behaviors and said most people won’t see themselves in it. So I read them and I am starting with #1. After reading it I said, maybe not me all the time but I know I am guilty of this one on occasion especially with my family. Here is the first one, and as I looked around I could see where this could cause a lot of unnecessary drama among the people I am currently associating with. Read it honestly and see if you can recognize yourself: “Taking everything personally-People are toxic to be around when they believe that everything that happens in life is a direct assault on them or is in some way all about them. The reality is that what people say and do to you is much more about them, than you. People’s reactions to you are about their filters, and their perspectives, wounds and experiences. Whether people think you’re amazing, or believe you’re the worst, again, it’s more about them. I’m not saying we should be narcissists and ignore all feedback. I am saying that so much hurt, disappointment and sadness in our lives comes from our taking things personally when it’s far more productive and healthy to let go of others’ good or bad opinion of you, and to operate with your own heart, intuition and wisdom as your guide. So yes – don’t take anything personally.”
So after dealing with some very negative seniors where I live I thought, ok what about complaining? This seems to be a key topic in a senior community. So I decided this was definitely toxic and deserved to be a blog topic (Grin) see if you agree.
com·plain
verb gerund or present participle: complaining
1. Express
dissatisfaction or annoyance about a state of affairs or an event. “local
authorities complained that they lacked sufficient resources" protest,
grumble, whine, bleat, carp, grouse, make a fuss
Phew that about
covers what I over hear all the time. Why do the elderly complain about
everything? The experts say much depends
on their personality throughout their lives. If they were the type of
people who were always bickering and negative, complaining may be the only way
they know how to communicate, (now that is a scary thought).They may not even
be aware how their attitude affects others. Ok Ok it makes some sense to me, I
always contend that once a nasty person always a nasty person. And realistically,
as they age they aren't likely to change their personalities, right. Add to that
the physical and mental frustrations that go with aging, which more than likely
help to intensify an already negative personality.
This
makes perfect sense, but what about that sweet lady you know who suddenly
becomes a complainer, how about that Mr. Expert? Hmmm,
the experts say medications can cause personality changes. Anti-seizure
medications, blood pressure medications, even anti-inflammatories can cause
personality changes in some people. Many
an elder has been thought to have dementia, but once off all drugs, the
dementia suddenly disappears. Drugs should always be suspect in sudden
personality changes. An interesting take don’t you think?
I
say that’s all well and good, but what I have observed and feel is; all of us
have beliefs, many of them subconscious as they were more than likely engrained
in us during our childhood years, about what it means to get older.
Psychologists call these “age stereotypes.” And, it turns out, they can have an
important effect on a seniors’ health.
So
it sounds to me as if the experts are saying older people become what they think?
Kind of like the old saying you are what
you eat (Grin). But when stereotypes are
negative, like when seniors are convinced becoming old means becoming useless,
helpless or devalued that plays head games with them and the experts tell us they would be less likely to seek preventive
medical care and die earlier, and more likely to suffer memory loss and poor
physical functioning. These very
same experts state that on the adverse side, when stereotypes are positive, when older adults view age as a time of
wisdom, self-realization and satisfaction, results point in the other
direction, toward a higher level of functioning. The latest report, in The Journal of the American Medical Association, suggests that seniors with this positive bias are 44
percent more likely to fully recover from a bout of disability.
Ok
enough of what the experts think, I remember when I was growing up we called
these complainers Negative Nancy’s or Debbie Downers. I know it is hard to be
positive when we have such a negative society as a whole, but it is tiring to
hear so much complaining, it’s too hot, then it’s too cold, then I can’t go out
because it’s raining, why are they making us wait, why don’t the doors open
earlier and on it goes.
As you can see I have strong opinions on this,
and one such opinion is that negative people tend to leave others around them
drained and tired! Oh come on now you know that’s true! No matter what you say, they always seem to
find a way to counter with a negative opinion. When they face a problem, they immerse
themselves in the issue rather than deal with it constructively. See, now you understand why I think complaining
belongs in the category of toxic behavior. (Grin) Negative and complaining people make
themselves a victim and they tend to adopt a self-victimizing mindset, complaining
or being negative about whatever it is that is happening in
that moment, real or imagined! Even if you provide them with a solution, they will quickly turn on you as the problem.
I can some what relate (as I am one of their kind), that the elderly often feel like
their opinions and thoughts don’t matter. I have found in my recent experiences, if you allow
them to have their say without any retort, it more often than not softens them
a bit, and magically they stop complaining. The old saying of “in one ear and out the
other” really does apply. You may not agree with what they have to say, but
realizing that it isn’t a personal
attack against you can alleviate a load of stress. See how
that fits into the opening toxic behavior statement I shared. (Grin)
My take away on this topic: I truly believe and I have found through
personal experience, the best way to deal with these types of people, is to let
or allow them to express their negativity. Really! Practice patience, smile
often and get their mind off what they are complaining about by talking about
something else. How do I do that you
say, this is easily done by asking them their opinion on something, or how are
you feeling. (Grin) I have decided to just laugh
it off and realize that with some people it is a long time habit or learned
behavior. And in the end I refuse to give them that much power and will not give in to their
negative pattern or allow it to divert my course, not even for a moment! I
challenge you to do the same. I saw this
on the internet, so I have no idea who to give credit to as with most things
on the internet, however I felt it was most appropriate to end with; as you breathe right now, another
person takes their last. Stop complaining and learn to live life with what you
have.
I thank you again for taking this
retirement journey with me, or as I refer to it, “my longest coffee break." I'm just sayin’…
